i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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