i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I love how my cats smell like pot.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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