youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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