While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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