If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
