did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
