I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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