fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
