I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
