While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just pee around me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
