remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
should my penis look like a turkey
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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