I could make wine with my vomit
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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