Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
