Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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