just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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