My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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