under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
