did you get engaged???
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
