got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He shit in the fireplace
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