One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
