All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
