new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
