Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
