I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
