dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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