She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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