I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
