I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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