What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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