Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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