This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
