My sheets look like a crime scene.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
