Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
