I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
