Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
