i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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