I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
