Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
