I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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