Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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