you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
