I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
