She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
