when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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