i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
