i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
