Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
