There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
