The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
