im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
