Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
